[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them