Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
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I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist