@AbbieEvansXO

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

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@patnspankme

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

@Marlebean

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

@FeralCrone

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

@Diversion50

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

@GirlCode

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

@bornmiserable

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

@JaneBadall

Fondly remembering a time when I could wear an over-sized guy’s cardigan and still look pretty sexy, now I just look like a crazy bag lady.