Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
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I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Fondly remembering a time when I could wear an over-sized guy’s cardigan and still look pretty sexy, now I just look like a crazy bag lady.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.