Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
School be like
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?