[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I’d love this…lol
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Very good! 👍😂
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship