[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
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Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.