[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

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COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff


Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”


So what do you think?
New hair?

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men


INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?


INTERVIEWER: holy shit


I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.


I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss


i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat


What can I bring to your party?

Friend: A six pack.

[does 10 crunches]



DUDE: first of all

ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point