COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Me: sorry I was on mute
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Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
So what do you think?
* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
What can I bring to your party?
Friend: A six pack.
[does 10 crunches]
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
DUDE: first of all
ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point