Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
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…and now, a public service announcement from Keanu Reeves…
Me: Who is it?
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Me: Talk to each other.
An alarm clock that releases the scent of bacon.
I think about this a lot
In this era of excessive exclamation point use, punctuating a text with a period is the quickest and simplest way to cause concern.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Coworker: My husband’s an angel.
Me: You’re lucky.. mine’s still alive.