[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”