lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
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The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.