Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

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I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I’m thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.


Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”


Giving somebody a greeting card is the most festive way to deposit $5 into their trashcan.


Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don’t wear pants?


Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.


Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy


5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.


BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*


If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.


*bar, late night*

Her: You want to get out of here?

Me {giddy}: Yeah let’s go

Her: Do you have protection?

Me {searching my pocket for my Legal Consent form}: Yeah