@CooIStepDad

[zoo]

“This is the bear kids”

Wow I want his arms

“What? You cant ha..”

*kid shows tour guide 2nd amendment*

“Bring him the arms smh”

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@sonictyrant

Friend: a Viking burial would be awesome some day

[A few days later]

Me:*fires a flaming arrow into his kayak while he’s white water rafting*

@TheMichaelRock

Kids: haha you have to work and we don’t have school today

Me *closing the front door* I changed the wifi password. Love you guys!

@TweetPotato314

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

@HatfieldAnne

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

@squirrel74wkgn

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

@Danny_McH2O

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

@BastardProphet

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

@NotKarma

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

@ilovepie84

My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.

@GoldenSpirals

My neighbour left her outdoor stereo blaring & went out for the night. I now have a set of speakers for sale, minus the wires. Call me.