“This is the bear kids”

Wow I want his arms

“What? You cant ha..”

*kid shows tour guide 2nd amendment*

“Bring him the arms smh”

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Friend: a Viking burial would be awesome some day

[A few days later]

Me:*fires a flaming arrow into his kayak while he’s white water rafting*


Kids: haha you have to work and we don’t have school today

Me *closing the front door* I changed the wifi password. Love you guys!


Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.


The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.


[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*


Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.


I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.


Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.


My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.


My neighbour left her outdoor stereo blaring & went out for the night. I now have a set of speakers for sale, minus the wires. Call me.