ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
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That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*