*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
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[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”