Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
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*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.