ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
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*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Great acting.. 😂
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Cinematography is my passion