¯_(ツ)_/¯
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I laughed at this way too hard.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Day 2 of my diet
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF