Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.