@lukekarmali: This is literally the best thing I've ever seen happen on Twitter
@rockymomax: [oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there's a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
@TheCatWhisprer: REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that's a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
@E_lok44: The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
@nimble__nick: *At the pearly gates*
St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I'll show you around.
Me: Sooo many oysters must've died to make this gate.
@i_Lean: Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says "WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP"
@KentWGraham: Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
@panmidwest: Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I'm in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can't get married?
M: nah, I can't get married bc of my personality