Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@AngelaEhh: Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

@lasergirl70: On Valentine's evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

@just1fool: Autocorrect changed, "Felt good right?" to "Hours of delight" so I sent it because it's not my lie at this point.

@JJSummertime: It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

@SondraDeeMe: I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

@CornOnTheGoblin: [starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

@KarateDonuts: McDonald's is now selling the Big MacGyver. Just a slab of meat a paper clip and some foil with a note that says "You figure it out."

@batkaren: Dinosaurs never could've survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It'd be totally ridiculous in 2017.

@pauleggleston: -I've got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

@AnitaHelmet: When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.