Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@DurtMcHurtt: [meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let's do this.

@TheToddWilliams: [forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

@mbichaela: me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how'd u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

@PinkCamoTO: *out for dinner with friends*
Me: I'm going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don't you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

@ArfMeasures: [After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you'd like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

@malt_skull: [phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

@KeetPotato: me: "i taught this chimp to say words"
chimp: "nice haircut"
reporter: "oh my god.. does he know anything else?"
me: "sarcasm apparently"

@iscoff: if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you're born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich