@SteveSuckington: If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?
@Cheeseboy22: Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they're only saying that because they're dolphins.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
@rpbateman: This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote "sexy" on all of his wife's friends' pics.
@Goggner: Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
@Gowitty: Evening News is where they begin with 'Good Evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
@XplodingUnicorn: When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
@SonoLibero_8: Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I'll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
@shawnhitch22: After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
@radtoria: my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it's giving me serious ideas, folks
@afynou: -hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you