Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@gHOEstgurl: jobs applications be like “submit your resume” how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

@upidaisy: woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

@huntigula: wife: hey...HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

@unagi_d0n: This is probably the worst spam ad I've ever gotten

@RexChapman: Like watching a full length movie - but in just 27-seconds...

@House_Feminist: Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

@andlikelaura: darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh...almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

@amandakem: This is the saddest product I have ever seen in my life.

@jihyoskatara: white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages