@causticbob: Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
@SammySkinns: Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
@One_FineMess: Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.
And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
@thatUPSdude: I'm not saying I'm bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot.
In other news, I might not know what bilingual means.
@OtherDanOBrien: Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
@BradBroaddus: Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
@Steelers1972: A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
@OH_GAWD_OF_FUNK: Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…
John Mayer first drafts.
@xlpaws: I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I'm not wearing pants.