@KKBowls: My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"
@Alyssa_Jolie: You haven't mastered the Art of Twitter, until you can subtweet yourself, while everyone else thinks it's about them
@juliussharpe: Google Glass, for everyone who's ever thought, "I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE"
@Travon: Sunday is Easter, Hitler's birthday, the Columbine anniversary, and weed Christmas. Your move, greeting card section.
@WilliamRodgers: Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No....it's my wife's.....
Hips: No.... It's his...
Me: Shut up Hips!
@birbigs: "You're joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?" -Jesus #GoodFriday
@Dani_Feld: I walked into a room full of men and they couldn't stop staring at me.
@CJhooray: I just saw a list of candidates for the local Juvenile Judge election and I just don't think juveniles should even be able to be judges idk