Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@OhNoSheTwitnt: Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

@zoevsuniverse: 4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
"I never want to do that again."

@vladchoc: Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

@flashember: [Doctor's Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
"Is it bad, doc?"
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

@flashember: [Doctor's Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

@zachreinert03: What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that's your business

@RichHarris2: Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

@LurkAtHomeMom: People who aren't entombed in 8 feet of snow, what's it like to live in a tropical paradise?

@ibid78: GOD: let's make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball
ANGEL: but why wou-
GOD: and we'll call it an armadillo for some reason

@Cpin42: *passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?