Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@InternetHippo: arya: so good to be back home with the sister i havent seen in 5 years & thought was dead
sansa: yeah it’s—
arya: i am going to murder you

@offbeatoliv: I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: You're not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

@BucMarvin: I put my pants on like everyone else. Two man servants holding me in the air while a third man servant wrestles with my flailing legs.

@beefman138: *Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh... yeah. The kids.

@iwearaonesie: wife: Where's the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

@MUMSIEesq: MASSEUSE: just relax
ME: THIS IS ME RELAXED

@BatBatshitcrazy: Rum: We've replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

@NamestartswithZ: SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you've malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

@punmagnate: Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I'm on their side now.