Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated Funny Tweets

@kumailn: "Look slightly worried." - picture advice from The Singer/Songwriter's Handbook

@ISOremarkable: My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

@XplodingUnicorn: Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

@maughammom: Me: "Want a banana?"

3yo: "Yes, but don't cut it up. And don't peel it. And don't make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle."

@maughammom: The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was "I know how to start a fire!" so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

@TheAlexP: * see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

@NotJPo: Whenever I’m mad at my husband I punish him with angry cuddling

@bridger_w: If you're pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I'm stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

@FBSisnothere: "Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail"

@Harpers_Halo: When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair