Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@squirrel74wkgn: My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

@TheBoydP: If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can't alcohol be called cereal drink?

@Smug_Lemur: *at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I'm also good at directions

@ItsMrWoody2U: Me: bless me father for I have sinned.

Priest: how long since your last confession my son?

Me: about 45 minutes ago...

@neonwario: WWII was just all the people w/ time machines who went back in time to kill hitler fighting the time travelers who wanted to protect hitler

@TheMichaelRock: We should teach North Korea a lesson and send them James Franco.

@hippieswordfish: wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

@phaggots: [texting my girlfriend]

wyd?

"Just finished my homework"

Cool, Send a pic (; ?

*gf sends a nude*

Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!

@vapidaccount: It's really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

@Dawn_M_: Homeless people are so lucky. They don't have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.