Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated Funny Tweets

@SortaBad: "wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is"
*waits literally 4 seconds*
"oh there look at that he said his name how convenient"

@jordan_stratton: You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn't notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.

@junejuly12: When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

@MethShart: David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@preshmomes: my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

@Ameiam: I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that's how I roll.

@pleatedjeans: Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I'M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

@Cpin42: Your call is important to us...unless this is Bob again, calling to say 'I CAN believe it’s not butter.' We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

@Cpin42: A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

@Cpin42: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

@Cpin42: SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

@mjkspeaks: My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.