Funny Tweeter

@buck4itt: Don't email me a link to a 6 minute youtube video. I wouldn't watch a video that long if in contained clues to solve my own murder.

@N0pantz: I'm convinced some of you are here because someone didn't properly lock your cage.

@raniao2011: It's so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.

@Cpin42: I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

@noogscorner: You can win any argument by taking your shirt off and high-fiving an invisible dragon. No one’s gonna continue arguing with that person.

@badbanana: URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT'S REALLY "NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY" PLEASE SAY YES.

@jasonlight73: After my date orders, I always tell the waiter "Nothing for me..I'll be eating later" Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!

@candace_9871: It's like my Mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man's life.

@KCCOTyler: Condoms prevent minivans.

@TheSofiya: which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills