Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@thenatewolf: Capitalization can really change a sentence.

Example:

I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.

@TrueTorontoGirl: Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

@EJGomez: me: annie are you ok
so annie are you ok
are you ok annie
(X5)

girl [wearing name tag that says annie]: sir will it be paper or plastic

@FrogAvalanche: "To be is to do" - Socrates.
"To do is to be" - Nietzsche.
"Do be do be do" - Sinatra.
"Beep beep beep" - R2D2.

@PaperWash: Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

@daemonic3: She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

@cleverprime: A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please. http://t.co/KDFveVHphZ

@UncleDuke1969: [job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

@AndyAsAdjective: "I missed you today."

"Awwww I missed you too."

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

@man_spach: Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.

@KenJennings: People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like "Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph."

@Death_Buddy: FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.