Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@LanieLalaBugs: I just want a man who'll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

@JohnLyonTweets: Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

@3sunzzz: 1900: Let's filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

@JaneBadall: Expecting an idiot to admit they're wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.

@offshore122: Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

@julie2288: "Do not iron"

Like that was ever going to happen...

@radtoria: [chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You're gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD

@Dis0beyJay: Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once

@thepunningman: Me: Janet's boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet's bf: [tapping on car window] Don't forget about Gandhi

@Dis0beyJay: [at wedding]
Is there any reason why these two shouldn't be wed?


*pianist vomits*