Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@CaucasianJames: the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

@MelaynaLokosky: Latex inflatable trousers, don't leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

@Keefler_Elf: i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

@nyquills: Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

@JohnLyonTweets: Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

@Parkerlawyer: Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh....”

@Pfagell: 5-year-old at recess: "My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it."

Me: "Do you think you're getting sick?"

5-year-old: "Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch."

@PatsATweetin: dentist: it's important that you don't scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks