Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@rad_milk: awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

@CornOnTheGoblin: me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

@mousefountain: It's rude to say "don't mention it" when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say "tell no one of this" in a low but urgent voice.

@sixfootcandy: [Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

@eddie_ferrero: NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That's a fence.

@3sunzzz: I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can't find it. Anyone free for lunch?

@LostFelicia: I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

@_ElvishPresley_: [painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

@rebrafsim: Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

@sliver_of: *Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*