@Adam14: Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That'll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
@thejoelstein: 4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to "How do you know if something is art?" "People tell you."
@WilliamAder: 9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won't tell you what they're wearing.
@SatansTongue: Where is your 1,000 word essay?
*pulls out selfie*
That's a picture...
"A picture is worth 1,000 words"
@robdelaney: .@LAPD My wife made hazelnut "coffee" with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
@ceejoyner: Sometimes at the beach it's like "gross, is that a condom?" Yes. And it's staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
@mydmac: According to the law it's not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.