Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@ImaFlyontheWall: If your nervous tick is pointing to the sky then might i suggest not going to auctions anymore.

@ruinedpicnic: [catches spider in a glass]
spider: omg are you going to drink me?
me: oh no this is just to take you outside
spider:
me:
spider: drink me

@dollfaceiam: *points to person jogging outside through the snow*

"Look kids, a lunatic"

@McCutty1: She won't admit she's obsessed with Instagram...

But her kids' names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia.

@tarashoe: this month's full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn't be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

@nbadag: *watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

@tastefactory: COP: Damn I left my regular handcuffs at home, all I have is these candy handcuffs. I trust that u won't eat ur way out of these
CROOK: Sure

@Fickle_Filly: Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven't seen for years with the words, "Wow. You've aged badly..."

@thetobbie: When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me...

@Jamie1947: a little too long, but basically a perfect tweet http://t.co/3gNfxryTLz