Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@david8hughes: [first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we've run out of everything

@KalvinMacleod: GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can't hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

@robfee: Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children

@JohnFugelsang: There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he's been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

@Bredwh: I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

@JohnLyonTweets: The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

@asimplesean: Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

@long_pussy_lips: Sober in an Uber: Please don't talk to me. I don't know you.

Drunk in an Uber: I want to get married one day, but I put up emotional walls

@TheRealNickKay: Daddy Bear -"Someones been sleeping in my bed."

Mummy Bear -"Wouldn't be the first time."

Daddy Bear -"It's been 3 years Sue, let it go."

@jonnysun: CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i've never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]