Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@marcusbuster: can you read it!!??


@peeznuts: Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle?

-No, go fish.

@bossy_bootz: Everyone's an atheist until they're making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

@Amburglar_: When asked by the creepy guy at the bar "Why aren't you smiling?" my go-to answer is always "My yeast infection really is bubbling up."

@joejwest: I'm going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

@SeptapusDenny: CNN writer: how's this - my phone is missing.

CNN exec: meh

Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!

*CNN exec absolutely loses it*

@JoyceCarolTotes: Border patrol: Why do you have 100s of DVDs of Top Gun stuffed into your seat cushions
Me: *sweating*
BP: They aren't even illegal

@GoldenSpirals: Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don't know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

@BaldyLockzz: * tries to spread peanut butter *

Peanut Butter: I have a boyfriend

@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?