Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@dshack8: 'He looks just like you' is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

@radtoria: "Penguins mate for life. Isn't that romantic?"
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
"You're my penguin."

@LosLos__: My parenting book would be just a series of "Shhh" with different lengths and punctuation for various occasions.

@Marlebean: 'A confident swipe of the debit card' is my favorite fantasy.

@missekay: *decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

@faizziy: Apparently "You should Google it" isn't the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

@LackOfShame: YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

@LackOfShame: YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

@StinkyGr33n: I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you'll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.