Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@UncleDuke1969: Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

@jonnysun: me: goodnight moon :)
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars :)
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

@karlainvt: I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

@_davidlucas_: Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

@mattytalks: A very busty woman whispers to me "I want you to tell me if these look real" my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

@Donnie_Fairburn: One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

@robfee: Gravity 0/5: Worst Space Jam sequel ever. Literally no basketball.

@Thynebear: Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

@RandomManik: Every crime show turns into sitcom when the cops bring the husband for questioning and he asks,

"Why would anyone want to kill their wife?"

@IamEnidColeslaw: Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

@HorribleDancer: Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

@redrose0117: Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.