Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@daplusk: 'When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in'
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically

@stephenjmolloy: Undertaker: "What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?"
Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."

@Scott_A_Gilmore: ~ Gets old. Puts car keys in 'better' place so I won't lose them

~ Can't find keys, has thrombosis—Dies

~ Comes back as ghost … finds keys

@LeBearGirdle: Doctor: I'm sorry son, it appears you have... Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor's shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

@SirEviscerate: ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say "don't try this at home"? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

@electrolemon: i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

@lildandeli0n: Caller: I'm your worst nightmare.

Me: Whaaat?? You're a sugar free cookie??

@stockejock: Misery loves company,
and apparently that's why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

@OhNoSheTwitnt: "I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound" I thought fatly.

@dreamsinchocola: When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.