@Underchilde: My dad hasn’t uncrossed his arms since I was born.
@SeanEmeny: "My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I'm not coming in" - No guy, ever
@EllenPallas: Life tip - buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift.
You are welcome.
@Fred_Delicious: Waiter, there's a spider in my pie. I thought you had an "award winning chef"
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
@FavoritesYou: Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn't have a pen so I used my key.
@KeetPotato: [tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
"yes, let me go"
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]
@RealDMK: Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I'm not too fond of Literacy
@vapidaccount: ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them...lipstick melts.
@ericsshadow: [my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
"Here $60. It's all I have. Call if you need more."