@MaraWilson: "Oh my god I LOVE this song" -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
@CastAwayKristen: I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
@jokeymcjokeface: I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
@JustDontBugMe: Millennial1: What's a Solar Eclipse?
Millennial2: When the moon photobombs the sun.
@iMikosnyc: I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You're good to go.
@UncleDuke1969: Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
@famouscrab: some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what
@thegreatnanak: I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.
@AmericanGent69: Me: Powers out. I'll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn't spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?