Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@MrEd_EVH: I'm gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

@EndhooS: Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A's…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

@vineyille: "I saw mommy kissing santa claus" has the same number of syllables as "I saw someone die at Disney World." Life's funny like that.

@Deno_Tron: I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

@chimneyspotter: ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

@bitterADDitude: Hair in bun=housework
Hair in ponytail=oral sex
Body language is important-So he doesn't get excited when I'm about to 2 scrub the toilet

@INDlAN_: Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

@FuckabillyRex: I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you're interested in a pretty amazing hug.

@INDlAN_: If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

@HomeProbably: When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I'm into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.