@OneFunnyMummy: The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
@daemonic3: DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I'll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!
@MichaelGoffLA: I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
@novicefather: You'll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar.
Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.
@pleatedjeans: Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny's Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
@moose_chocolate: If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.
@dave_cactus: [I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means...
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
@MelKassel: ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he's uh coming later