Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@JohnLyonTweets: "We're not lost!" Dad would insist, despite Mom's complaints that "This isn't on the map" and "We shouldn't be seeing the ocean from Tulsa."

@isabelzawtun: I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

@brittwastaken: I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage

@rebrafsim: *waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

@EndhooS: Me: sorry I can't make it to your party tonight but I'm kinda popular & I can't jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

@pplwtching: As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

@slaughthie: Who called it baking and not making love

@Chumpstring: BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can't even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm... yeah that explains it

@AudreyPorne: women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

@DanorSlim: "Daddy, where do babies come from?"

Bad ideas.