@skittle624: My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don't understand where I went wrong.
@underchilde: Three Most Insane Extreme Sports:
1. Solo Climbing
2. Running of the Bulls
3. Family Reunions
@FuckabillyRex: Life isn’t fair. Unless you’re a carny. Then life is pretty much all fair, all the time.
@piques15: *Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
@Fred_Delicious: Wife - "I'm leaving you..."
Me - "noooooo..."
Wife - "...a hotdog in my will"
Me - "...oooyeeahhhhhh"
@thedadonline: Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
@djdarrellripley: Me: Sorry, I don't have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don't drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people...
@bourgeoisalien: Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
@IamEveryDayPpl: Me: Can I leave early today?
Me: Can you leave early then?
@ChribHibble: FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying "You're being VERY well behaved."