@ThePocketJustin: If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I'm ignoring you.
@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a monitor lizard.
Monitor: like a hall monitor?
God: no that’s not what I me-
Monitor: do you have a hall pass?
[later in detention]
Teacher: what are YOU doing here?
God: I-I don’t know.
@ShortSleeveSuit: [first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
@CAshmanActor: [cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok ... um, this is john scallop
@junejuly12: [Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
@Gilapfeffer: I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
@crocodilethumbs: Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
@UncleDuke1969: It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.