Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@InThaBurbs: Taking my sunglasses out of 2's hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

@Gen22: My milkshake won't bring the boys to the yard but I'm betting my free wifi will.

@NoTheOtherJohn: ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT'S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

@WhoToldYou2: "Be the change you want to see in the world."

*Morphs into a kitten

@jackiembouvier: I can tell Spring is almost here because I'm on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I'd also like to plant some bulbs.

@TheToddWilliams: I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see...well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

@Cryptic1iam: Why are they called condoms and not woody hoodies?

@Sean_Burgundy_: [ Skydiving ]

Instructor: SIR. You can't just jump out without your equipment on

Me: *Shows him text of gf saying "We need to talk"

@Spaced_Cowboy00: Women remember something that happened five years ago. I can't remember why I stood up.