@MelvinofYork: Whenever somebody says "it is what it is" I reply with "and it's not what it's not" so they'll realize just how stupid they sounded
@existentialcoms: "Living well is the best revenge."
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy's face.
@KylePlantEmoji: *guy acts like he's gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
@ThugRaccoons: Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
@cravin4: Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”