Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Hypercraxy: I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy." Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

@Reverend_Scott: Ugh.
"What's wrong honey?"
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

@NicestHippo: If you think you're bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone

@3_livi: anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

@miss_foofoo: I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ's. If I'm gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

@RunJeffreyRun: I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

@Book_Krazy: *Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn't have been me

@_davidlucas_: He goes out for a run, and doesn't even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

@Urfavdog: *gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

@sad_tree: *sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost