@gHOEstgurl: jobs applications be like “submit your resume”....wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
@upidaisy: woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
@huntigula: wife: hey...HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
@House_Feminist: Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
@andlikelaura: darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh...almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
@jihyoskatara: white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages