@KentWGraham: My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
@SardonicTart: Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
@MomOnFire: Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
@repomon: Knock knock?? Who's there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
@Notoliviasteel: DOCTOR: u broke ur leg in five places, how did this happen
ME:*flashback of me trying to carry too much ice cream up the stairs* bears.
@bornmiserable: You know you're on drugs when you're talking to your kids about drugs and you don't have any kids.
@realHamOnWry: [Deathbed Confession]
I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.
@SaraMansford: Maybe artists wouldn't be so starving all the time if they'd just eat all that fruit they're always painting.
@scorpicpanda: 5: "I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads."
Me: "I'll have whatever that kid's having."
@Swishergirl24: Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you're rock climbing.