@LanieLalaBugs: I just want a man who'll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
@JohnLyonTweets: Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
@3sunzzz: 1900: Let's filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
@JaneBadall: Expecting an idiot to admit they're wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.
@radtoria: [chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You're gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD
@Dis0beyJay: Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once
@thepunningman: Me: Janet's boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet's bf: [tapping on car window] Don't forget about Gandhi
@Dis0beyJay: [at wedding]
Is there any reason why these two shouldn't be wed?
* me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR