Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@WheelTod: Major milestone today -- found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

@generaldietz: FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

@shutupmikeginn: Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

@Boba_Photo: 11yo: Daddy, why can't we get a dog?
Me: I like our house the way it is.
11: What, small?
Me: Go to your drawer.

@LoveNLunchmeat: upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

@katytheladybird: Oh good, I've made this mistake before so I know what to expect.

@Rollmaninoz: *KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

@Sassafrantz: Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that's where I hide my Oreos.

@bobby: [neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

@MoneypennyNaked: Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

- Ma'am, if you're not trying on clothes, we'll need you to leave the dressing room.