@AnOrangeSNES: The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
@rachelle_mandik: Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
@castabignet: My "Game of Thrones" is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
@Black__Elvis: I only buy expensive baby food with cute babies on the label because I'm willing to pay extra if it means my kids aren't eating ugly babies.
@notalogin: Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
@emptyheadtwo: He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
@P1ssed_K1d: Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
@scott_towel: Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma'am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.