Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@bonehugsnirony: Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

@ArfMeasures: [First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can't help it!

ME: Aw that's kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

@FeelingEuphoric: "I am a gift to this earth."

[Earth regifts me]

"I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy"

@WhaJoTalkinBout: It's not a competition, we're both tired and I'm way more tired than you.

@SpenceDen: I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

@AimeeHelene1: I didn't hit him with my car...

I massaged him with my wheels.

@HenpeckedHal: When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I'm too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

@stevevsninjas: me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride's side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

@TheHyyyype: ME: hey buddy, can you go in there and buy me a pack of cigarettes?

GUY: dude, you're like 45, why can't you buy them yourself?

ME: because i don't have any money

@TheHyyyype: just saw black panther and i finally understand why so many white people are mad: it's not even a real panther, just a guy in a panther suit