Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@MelvinofYork: Whenever somebody says "it is what it is" I reply with "and it's not what it's not" so they'll realize just how stupid they sounded

@existentialcoms: "Living well is the best revenge."
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy's face.

@KylePlantEmoji: *guy acts like he's gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

@underchilde: I like to watch other people sleep to make sure I’m doing it correctly.

@JenniferJokes: I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

@ThugRaccoons: Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

@xxxtenTrashion: When you’re at a sleepover and your friend doesn’t give you a blanket

@cravin4: Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”