Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@angibangie: The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend's parent's house and the toilet water was rising...

-My best pickup line

@briangaar: [Captain America, minutes after the love of his life's funeral] Damn her niece is hot

@dhumann: Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

@prodnose: Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying "Cancer" on boxes replace it with the word "Acne".

@WhaJoTalkinBout: Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

@NoBadHairDays2: A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

@KentWGraham: No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

@bondgirl_79: Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

@withanewname: Oliver Twist: "Please sir, I want some more!?"

Manger: "Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?"

@evanR39: Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question have obviously never worked in tech support..;)