Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@aaronfredericks: [wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it's a secret

@MelvinofYork: Me: god you're sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I'll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

@McGrumpenstein: my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

@NewDadNotes: Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

@Skoogeth: satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

@UnimpressedWU: Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

@prufrockluvsong: Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It's always "you can't do crane kicks here" and "ma'am please leave the zoo immediately".

@aGreeneyedChic: [Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. "you can take it all, baby" it aint so easy is it?

@Skoogeth: [makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours