Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@_squiggz: robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

@bngzyface: [Cooking class]

Teacher: Please stop spooning me, that’s not what I meant.

@SimplySnaccbar: Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

@HenpeckedHal: I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

@_steamy_mac: If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.

@callmeEvian: Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

@tiemoose: friend: this isn't what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

@SSparklesDaily: My life won't stop downloading updates without my permission.

@ItsAndyRyan: Whoever discovered cows must have been annoyed that the name 'moose' was already taken.

@Marlebean: My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending...

*reads a book "and they lived happily ever after"

Mmmm yeah, you like that?