Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Maxine12333: Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you're never
sure what they're up to for the rest of their lives.

@nthall350: The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don't take any chances.

@OrangeFact: HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl ;)

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

@WineMummy: Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

@sofarrsogud: ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

@Staggfilms: Me: You can't fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can't quit, I fired you!

Me: You can't quit me, I'm fire!

Boss:...

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

@usermcuserface: A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..

@brynnester: [Me as a getaway driver] Ok before we set off does anyone need the toilet?

@Angibangie: -If I'm wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald's worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries...

@copymama: When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.