PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it's a secret
@MelvinofYork: Me: god you're sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I'll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
@McGrumpenstein: my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
@NewDadNotes: Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
@Skoogeth: satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
@prufrockluvsong: Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It's always "you can't do crane kicks here" and "ma'am please leave the zoo immediately".
@aGreeneyedChic: [Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. "you can take it all, baby" it aint so easy is it?
@Skoogeth: [makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours