@cjwerleman: When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.
@ibid78: My N'Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I'd regret for the rest of my life.
@michael_raphone: INTERVIEWER: under skills you've listed "gets jokes" ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
@Ristolable: "DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU." -real thing I just said to my son
@StarksWeek: Me: "you hang up"
Her: "no you hang up"
Me: "no you hang up"
Her: "no y-"
Jail clerk: "sir, you only get one phone call."
@daemonic3: The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
@Jenny4ashley: [gets pulled over for speeding]
Where's the fire ma'am?
"I'm not sure yet"
@QwertyJones3: "You're never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I've got a protein deficiency."
@CubanaMama82: I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
@OneFunnyMummy: I don't know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.