@ThaJawn: I want a horse but I'm worried I'll just pile laundry on it
@caithuls: OPPONENT: I'm gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
@MarfSalvador: [firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don't know how to do anything else
@MariyaAlexander: My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
@Steven37366100: Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
@mommy_cusses: I've resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
@sofarrsogud: ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
@Sorrowscopes: Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
@AndyAsAdjective: 20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!