Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@unmehlievable: [First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

@captainkalvis: executioner: any last words

me: yes, I wish murder was legal

my genie: [appears] your wish is my command

executioner: you’re free to go

me: [getting up] haha hell yes

executioner: [stabs me as I leave] idiot

@Skoogeth: bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber's hand] hey

@bobsaget: Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

@kingushbal: If you cancel on a girl after shes applied makeup she will not stay at home, she'll even go out n walk her fish cos she’s not wasting makeup

@offbeatoliv: I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

@SortaBad: ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN'T

@envydatropic: You would think with the whole "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" that there would be more body builders walking around.

@ObscureGent: News Reporter: ...and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!