Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@ThePocketJustin: If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I'm ignoring you.

@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a monitor lizard.

Monitor: like a hall monitor?

God: no that’s not what I me-

Monitor: do you have a hall pass?

God: what?

[later in detention]

Teacher: what are YOU doing here?

God: I-I don’t know.

@ShortSleeveSuit: [first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

@CAshmanActor: [cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok ... um, this is john scallop

@arcadeseals: gf: i took a pregnancy test

me: is it mine

gf: no, i bought it

@junejuly12: [Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

@Gilapfeffer: I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

@crocodilethumbs: Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

@UncleDuke1969: It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.