@marcusbuster: can you read it!!??
@bossy_bootz: Everyone's an atheist until they're making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
@Amburglar_: When asked by the creepy guy at the bar "Why aren't you smiling?" my go-to answer is always "My yeast infection really is bubbling up."
@joejwest: I'm going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
@SeptapusDenny: CNN writer: how's this - my phone is missing.
CNN exec: meh
Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!
*CNN exec absolutely loses it*
@JoyceCarolTotes: Border patrol: Why do you have 100s of DVDs of Top Gun stuffed into your seat cushions
BP: They aren't even illegal
@GoldenSpirals: Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don't know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?