Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@WittySassBasket: I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I'M IN A GANG NOW.

@eddiesteadyno: at library

ME: This book wasn't helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What's the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] "Why? What's the problem?"

@okimstillhungry: “Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

@Parkerlawyer: *buys almond milk*

"I'm gonna get healthy!"

*drinks almond milk*

"This is gross."

*pours Hershey's chocolate syrup in milk*

"Perfect."

@handsock_butts: [Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i'll handle this *eats everyone*

@mommy_cusses: Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

@CornOnTheGoblin: [purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11

@ashmensch: This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one's ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.

@weinerdog4life: I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never, oh you knocked me down again, you are being very rude