Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@EdwindelaRenta: me: i'm really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

@Elizasoul80: Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they're the problem is the other half.

@thatdutchperson: [at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

@junejuly12: As there aren't any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick's Day

@david8hughes: Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn't want people knowing he can't swim: I was sick that day otherwise I'd have found it

@thatUPSdude: Her: We have rats!

Me: We do?

Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!

Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I'll buy traps.

@Sarcasticsapien: Most Trump supporters favorite Disney character is the hunter who shot Bambi's mom and we all know it.

@myonlymizztake: Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

@ZombieProblms: I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.