@Gwinifer: Life with me is like a box of chocolates. You never know when you're going to get the crazy one filled with arsenic.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Palin: I'm seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don't refudiate me.
@joejwest: The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
@KeetPotato: [at my date's front door]
wait, so you've known i was a koala the whole time?
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
@EndhooS: [1st date, don't let her know you're a panda]
"Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
@stevedildarian: CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
@WilliamAder: We have a local weatherman who often forecasts "changeable skies." He makes a lot of money to make that call.
@BreadFoster: Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it's free from the sky.
@BPMbadassmama: I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.