Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@BigJDubz: Wife: you've been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

@GinAndJif: If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

@Darlainky: You're eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your "battle cry" isn't striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

@mommajessiec: Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

@thegoodgodabove: The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

@CatsVsHumanity: Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn't you?

Me: WHY CAN'T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

@chaconlizbeth21: I hate when couples have ONE fight and post “SINGLE” like fam...i fight with my parents and you don’t see me posting “ORPHAN”

@JohnLyonTweets: [showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

@Home_Halfway: MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: I'm not convinced

MUGGER: What

ME: Say it meaner

MU: YOUR MONEY NOW

ME: You weren't feeling that

MU: Sigh, you're right

ME: Maybe wave your gun around?

MU: *waves it around* This hurts my wrist

ME: Let's just forget it

MU: Yeah, sorry man