Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@Darlainky: My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

@ThatBrenna: Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it's not.

@BoomBoomBetty: I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

@PFitzpa: I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it's even weirder than you imagine.

@Burnam1: My grandmother's secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

@YuckyTom: the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

@junejuly12: The new neighbour told me she’s a hugger, so now I’m only going outside if I have a weed whacker clutched to my chest.

@BrandonMH1: Not really a humane solution in my opinion