@JohnLyonTweets: "We're not lost!" Dad would insist, despite Mom's complaints that "This isn't on the map" and "We shouldn't be seeing the ocean from Tulsa."
@isabelzawtun: I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
@brittwastaken: I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.
-The inventor of massage
@EndhooS: Me: sorry I can't make it to your party tonight but I'm kinda popular & I can't jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
@pplwtching: As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
@Chumpstring: BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can't even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm... yeah that explains it
@AudreyPorne: women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.