Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Underchilde: My dad hasn’t uncrossed his arms since I was born.

@SeanEmeny: "My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I'm not coming in" - No guy, ever

@ElleOhHell: Stephen is a much nicer name than "hen from a previous marriage."

@EllenPallas: Life tip - buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift.

You are welcome.

@Fred_Delicious: Waiter, there's a spider in my pie. I thought you had an "award winning chef"
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

@FavoritesYou: Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn't have a pen so I used my key.

@KeetPotato: [tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
"yes, let me go"
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]

@RealDMK: Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I'm not too fond of Literacy

@vapidaccount: ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them...lipstick melts.

@ericsshadow: [my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

"Here $60. It's all I have. Call if you need more."