@squirrel74wkgn: My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
@TheBoydP: If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can't alcohol be called cereal drink?
@Smug_Lemur: *at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Him: Can you say more?
Me: I'm also good at directions
@ItsMrWoody2U: Me: bless me father for I have sinned.
Priest: how long since your last confession my son?
Me: about 45 minutes ago...
@neonwario: WWII was just all the people w/ time machines who went back in time to kill hitler fighting the time travelers who wanted to protect hitler
@hippieswordfish: wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
@phaggots: [texting my girlfriend]
"Just finished my homework"
Cool, Send a pic (; ?
*gf sends a nude*
Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!
@vapidaccount: It's really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
@Dawn_M_: Homeless people are so lucky. They don't have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.