Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@ibid78: Me: "Goodnight Bed."
Bed: "New foam who dis?"

@daemonic3: Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

@koalaslament: when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

@Reverend_Scott: The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

@zbinski: The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

@AddledPixie: Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

@TheNardvark: If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."

@iGreenMonk: Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.

@hipstermermaid: I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

@TheBoydP: Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home...