Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@OneFunnyMummy: The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

@daemonic3: DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I'll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!

@meganamram: Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

@MichaelGoffLA: I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

@novicefather: You'll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar.

Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.

@pleatedjeans: Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny's Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

@moose_chocolate: If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.

@dave_cactus: [I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means...
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

@Lana: never forget https://t.co/02mADxuFYe

@MelKassel: ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he's uh coming later