Funny Tweeter

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@TheAndrewNadeau: [American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

@abbygov: cat owners be like “if he bites you or scratches you or murders your mom in front of you and watches the tears stream down your face as the life slowly departs her cold dead body it means he loves you”

@AuthorGaylord: Me Pre-Kids: I'm never gonna lie to my kids ever.

Me with Kids: I just got off the phone with Santa, the firefighter dog from Paw Patrol, and the Green Power Ranger, and they all agree, if you don't put your shoes on, they're gonna have to put down another unicorn.

@KylePlantEmoji: Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we'd put a cast on him and he'd recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it's actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

@hunbothered: Never name drop...
Sandy Bullock taught me this.

@cravin4: If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

@GuyBreakup: A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

@DairylandDon: [puts key in lock]
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: "Moooo!"