Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Darlainky: I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

@truegritrumble: ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: ...What?

@Mom_Overboard: *arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I'm sorry ma'am. Your boyfriend didn't make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80's.

@SickChristine: Someone told me I should start my day with ‘I get to’ instead of ‘I have to’ and now I get to hate that person with the intensity of a thousand suns.

@House_Feminist: If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

@Home_Halfway: Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself

*don't panic and say something stupid*
*don't panic and say something stupid*
*don't panic and say something stupid*
*don't panic and say something stupid*

Me: Do you think my blood tastes different than yours

@girlnarly: him: you should really take something for your kleptomania
me: ok *steals the tv*

@ShortSleeveSuit: [excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

@AmishPornStar1: If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes...

My wife is available.

@Gupton68: [supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…