Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated Funny Tweets

@causticbob: Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

@SammySkinns: Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

@One_FineMess: Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.

And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.

@thatUPSdude: I'm not saying I'm bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot.

In other news, I might not know what bilingual means.

@OtherDanOBrien: Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

@BradBroaddus: Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

@TrueTorontoGirl: HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

@Steelers1972: A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

@OH_GAWD_OF_FUNK: Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

@xlpaws: I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I'm not wearing pants.

@Dani_Feld: Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.