@huntigula: SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
@Browtweaten: Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
@Lhlodder: 6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad... I wish I could afford cigarettes.
@MelvinofYork: me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
@JessObsess: Unless there's a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don't want to see your vacation pictures.
@DothTheDoth: If you're walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.
@_BlaineB: Yeah sex is cool and all but y’all managers ever asked if you wanna leave work early
@human_dis4ster: new tinder idea: upload all my photos upside down so girls turn their phone to look at them, obviously realise am ugly and swipe left but of course that's now actually right bing bang boom match