Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@maebemarbles: *holds flashlight under chin*
"...and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!"
*everyone screams in horror*

@Robert_Beau: I'm already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I've given the bird to lots of people today.

@VestaTot: Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He's been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn't work and then shot!

@bakedbrotatoes: *spits out animal cracker*
This doesn't even taste like hippo.

@pharmasean: Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald's deep fryer

@CakeThrottle: My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn't know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

@SamuelHLowe: - If you insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you!
- Don't be selfish, think about the baby.
- What baby?
- Oh, so you're not pregnant?

@clindsaysway: Never tell a woman you're infatuated with her. All she'll hear is "fat".

@Miciura: Honesty is the best policy, unless you're trying to return something that you've already worn.

@Ndeshi_M: Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!