@DomesticGoddss: Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
@LackOfShame: Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I'm right here
@punmagnate: Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
@UncleDuke1969: Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
@noneofyours99: * thinks of a tweet before falling asleep
* decided to remember a "key word* so I can remember it
* wakes up
* forgot key word
@Sickayduh: DAD: You know, no one in this city is allowed to be buried in that cemetery
ME: Wtf why not?
DAD: Because *locking eyes* they're still alive
@Reverend_Scott: mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
"All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday"
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT'S PAYBACK TIME