Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@better_off_dad: 16: Why do I have to go to college?

Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.

16: My journey where?

Me: Out of this house.

@ArfMeasures: MURDERER *panicking as he's stabbing an acupuncturist* you're just getting stronger

@mandel_angela: In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

@fro_vo: [first date]
ME: are you having fun
DATE: yes i am
ME: *hands menu back to waiter* i will also have the fun

@_Tempo11: Me: I'm going to poop

Dog: Great I'm coming with you

@theroyaltramp: I don't think the therapist is supposed to say "wow," that many times in your first session but here we are.

@BoogTweets: Pine Tree: Hey, did you see they brought Doug inside the house and decorated him, lol!

Spruce: Should we wave? Let’s wave, lol

Pine: Haha…He’s not waving, why isn’t he- OMG

@FeelingEuphoric: HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

@ficklenuts: “Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.