The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
You know you’re suffering from stress when you have too much on your plate and it isn’t food.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
suspect: i confess.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Husband: how come we don’t ever eat anything fancy anymore, like before we had kids?
Me: that’s not true
Husband: oh yeah, what’s for dinner tonight?
Me: (whispers) ˢˡᵒᵖᵖʸ ʲᵒˢᵉᵖʰˢ