Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@JohnLyonTweets: Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

@LoveNLunchmeat: Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

@markydoodoo: my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

@Stablebuddy198: "Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?"
"It doesn't matter"

"Nothing matters...."

@InternetHippo: Please don’t get plastic surgery for some minor imperfection, if you’re gonna do it get something cool and useful like extra arms

@TheOnion: New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

@_Water_Baby: Sneaking out of the house is a skill I've used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

@nappydolemite: Living well is the best revenge. Hitting them with your car is a close second, though.

@captainkalvis: date: so tell me about yourself

me: i am comprised of atoms

date: haha no like what do you do

me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain

date: for like fun, i mean

me: sex and television

alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?