@donttouchjames: [talking to a girl at the gym]

her:

me: [nervous] so do u work out

@OllyiConic: interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

@ArfMeasures: Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you're not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can't I just click on a box

@momTruthBomb: Parenting means you will never say "What?!" again without sounding annoyed.

@AngryRaccoon2: My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn't even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it's a horror movie.

@unmehlievable: If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

@3sunzzz: I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, "Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course."

@AngryRaccoon2: Find yourself a person who...NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

@SCBamaMan: I can count on my hook how many hands I've lost.

@leakypod: the bachelor: i will date twenty four other women in front of ur face

contestant: ok

the bachelor: u can’t get jealous tho

contestant: i mean i feel like i might get jealous

the bachelor: lol ok katie

contestant: it’s jennifer