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@AbleLikes: People have ruined this planet and now they're just like "Tag, you're it!" to Mars.
@FrazzleMyGimp: GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
@HousewifeOfHell: You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
@Fickle_Filly: Welcome to your 40s.
Add 'gravity' to your list of enemies.
@Parkerlawyer: Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
@Oddly_Pleasing: I too would like a knife that turns everything into cake.
@TheOnion: Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
@KeetPotato: me: "i have designed the world's first electric car specifically for owls"
reporter: "owls? is it popular?"
me: "it's turning heads"
@rochelle_ejacob: “Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
@Ieethecreator: jvais m’évanouir