@Henry_3000
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
@Henry_3000
@karanbirtinna
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
@2tickytacky
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
@thedadvocate01
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
@chudneyspears
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
@weedswildflowrs
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
@realHamOnWry
My ex-wife’s wedding was last weekend, so I sent a cardboard cut-out of myself holding a cardboard cut-out of a wedding present.
@thedad
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
@parilani
husband: babe what do we need from the store
me: how did you get this number
@whinecheezits
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.