@TomatoTomoto1 [Silver Singles Meetup]
Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself
Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had
Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…
Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste
@TomatoTomoto1 
@swimmingcatspa Don’t panic. Keanu Reeves is going to put on a sick leather coat and save us all any minute now
@threetimedaddy My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
@chrisdowning My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
@growingintoyouu Everyone wanted to go viral so bad.
Universe: You got it.
@Vhalechark [Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
@Vhalechark Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
@JPLFR80 I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
@anerdonfire2 I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
@Bookbunny6 Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.
Me: Same! Just waxed!
Him: What?
Me *smirks*: What?