@TheToddWilliams
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
@TheToddWilliams
@unsanctifi3d
@ozzyunc
I want to be the optimistic person who posted on Facebook a year ago about how it was almost over.
@comes_night
My grandma didn’t want to share her recipes so she put them in an empty book called sex over 65.
@LloBrow
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
@Mom_Overboard
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
@EllaZee5
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
@dancingchimera
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
@deloisivete
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
@English_Channel
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!