@JohnLyonTweets: Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
@markydoodoo: my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
@Stablebuddy198: "Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?"
"It doesn't matter"
"Nothing matters...."
@InternetHippo: Please don’t get plastic surgery for some minor imperfection, if you’re gonna do it get something cool and useful like extra arms
@_Water_Baby: Sneaking out of the house is a skill I've used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
@nappydolemite: Living well is the best revenge. Hitting them with your car is a close second, though.
@captainkalvis: date: so tell me about yourself
me: i am comprised of atoms
date: haha no like what do you do
me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain
date: for like fun, i mean
me: sex and television
alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?