[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.



12YO: so should i download it


When someone doesn’t answer your text it doesn’t mean they don’t like you anymore it means they want to kill you


If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*


I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.


Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!


Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.


Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?


Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit