@StyloDad

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

@jellybnbonanza

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

@smerobin

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

@freudianscript

You know you’re suffering from stress when you have too much on your plate and it isn’t food.

@mommajessiec

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

@PatsATweetin

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

@Shenaniglenns

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

@Sotherans

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

@Divergentmama

Husband: how come we don’t ever eat anything fancy anymore, like before we had kids?

Me: that’s not true

Husband: oh yeah, what’s for dinner tonight?

Me: (whispers) ˢˡᵒᵖᵖʸ ʲᵒˢᵉᵖʰˢ