Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@GrillinChillin9: I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

@DrakeGatsby: My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

@UncleDuke1969: the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

@Darlainky: My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

@MissSassy_Pants: You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say "I'm gonna mess this up and I don't need any witnesses"?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

@CantWaitToNap: *Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

@daddydoubts: My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

@TweetPotato314: me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

@3sunzzz: Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let's play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.