@roastmalone_
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
@roastmalone_
@FredTaming
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
@English_Channel
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
@notmythirdrodeo
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
@ChicksRule
Me: aww, cute dog! Can I pet him?
Friend: careful, he might hurt you
Dog: so, how’s your love life?
@PatsATweetin
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
@LostFelicia
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
@fro_vo
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
@SvnSxty
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
@KevinSussman
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.