@BeeeejEsq
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
@BeeeejEsq
@UnFitz
Waiter: Will you be dining alone tonight, sir?
Me: Yes. And I can hear the judgment in your voice, garçon. Did my mom put you up to this?
@snarkymomtobe
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
@pro_worrier_
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
@bestestname
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
@avainwordland
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
@rn_murse
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
@StupiDucker
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
@AbbieEvansXO
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
@Darlainky
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.