I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Considering Queen Elizabeth’s age, that God Save The Queen song is really working.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My creepy neighbors sure do have some weird shit in their trash
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.