@StyloDad The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
@StyloDad 
@jellybnbonanza My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
@smerobin The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
@freudianscript You know you’re suffering from stress when you have too much on your plate and it isn’t food.
@mommajessiec My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
@English_Channel *looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
@PatsATweetin interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
@Shenaniglenns Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
@Sotherans ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
@Divergentmama Husband: how come we don’t ever eat anything fancy anymore, like before we had kids?
Me: that’s not true
Husband: oh yeah, what’s for dinner tonight?
Me: (whispers) ˢˡᵒᵖᵖʸ ʲᵒˢᵉᵖʰˢ