FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it


I want to be the optimistic person who posted on Facebook a year ago about how it was almost over.


My grandma didn’t want to share her recipes so she put them in an empty book called sex over 65.


Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.


Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”


Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.


The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen