@capnwatsisname: Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

@CrockettForReal: Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

@Piecezilla: Life is like a box of chocolates. It's making you fat and killing your dog.

@BlueOnBlack72: *First day in group therapy*

Counselor: Dave, do you have anything to share?

Me: *puts Doritos back under chair*

No, no I do not.

@Jamberee13: A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

@momTruthBomb: When you tell me to "Go outside and play" you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

- kids

@unmehlievable: Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids' parties.

@thepaulahunt: I say, "Hi, friend," to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I'm not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don't charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* "Hi, friend."

@JimmerThatisAll: This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!" and "Because I said so!"

@goeatcake: [At the job interview]

"We're looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person."

"Would that be for the whole time?"