The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white


mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years


Wives everywhere: Good news! You have time to do all those projects you promised

Husbands: We have a cure


These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich


Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort


Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve


From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom


Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals


detective: 3 armed men robbed this hospital of all of their hand sanitizer

me, also a detective: looks like they made a clean getaway

detective: lmao be serious 7 people are dead