@LEBassett We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
@LEBassett 
@MNateShyamalan guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
@SvnSxty *emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
@squirrel74wkgn [vaccine research meeting]
Doctor: The virus is global and we need solutions fast
Chemist: We are working on it
Doctor: Anyone else have ideas?
First guy to pee on a jelly fish sting: *raises hand*
@SlothSlouch I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow
@dumbbeezie Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
@LostFelicia My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
@pittdave13 YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
@kindestgarten My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
@Darlainky My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.