@LEBassett

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

@MNateShyamalan

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

@SvnSxty

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

@squirrel74wkgn

[vaccine research meeting]

Doctor: The virus is global and we need solutions fast

Chemist: We are working on it

Doctor: Anyone else have ideas?

First guy to pee on a jelly fish sting: *raises hand*

@SlothSlouch

I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow

@dumbbeezie

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

@LostFelicia

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

@kindestgarten

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

@Darlainky

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.