@StoneAgeRadio13

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

@megstalter

When someone doesn’t answer your text it doesn’t mean they don’t like you anymore it means they want to kill you

@mommajessiec

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

@AndLookPretty

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

@RodLacroix

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

@IamJackBoot

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit