@jessokfine

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

@botandy

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

@TheUnrealMattR

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

@Freak0nIine

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

@pookleblinky

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

@Bedlam_Beersie

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

@darksidesith75

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

@raymondh3h3

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

@a_simpl_man

My car is always beeping at me when I do something wrong. Wear a seat belt ding ding ding stay in your lane ding ding ding.
I want my car to say: that was a sick traffic maneuver, I wonder if anyone shit their pants