@AbleLikes: People have ruined this planet and now they're just like "Tag, you're it!" to Mars.

@FrazzleMyGimp: GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

@HousewifeOfHell: You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

@Fickle_Filly: Welcome to your 40s.

Add 'gravity' to your list of enemies.

@Parkerlawyer: Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

@Oddly_Pleasing: I too would like a knife that turns everything into cake.

@TheOnion: Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

@KeetPotato: me: "i have designed the world's first electric car specifically for owls"
reporter: "owls? is it popular?"
me: "it's turning heads"

@rochelle_ejacob: “Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

@Ieethecreator: jvais m’évanouir