@ShelbyWolstein My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
@ShelbyWolstein 
@RandallOtisTV The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
@HillaryMonahan This is RAD.
@jakery mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
@LeonInNewJersey Wives everywhere: Good news! You have time to do all those projects you promised
Husbands: We have a cure
@Average_Dad1 These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
@SvnSxty Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
@jakery From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
@Chhapiness Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
@donttouchjames detective: 3 armed men robbed this hospital of all of their hand sanitizer
me, also a detective: looks like they made a clean getaway
detective: lmao be serious 7 people are dead