@occupied_stall

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

@caitiedelaney

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

@DocAtCDI

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

@NomDeBenoit

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

@MCrisis2020

[runs across garage floor in wet flip flops]

– adds stuntman to resume

@ccase91

Linkin Park implies the existence of Linkin Neutral, Linkin Reverse, and Linkin Drive.

@iGreenGod

Me: I am great at identifying birds.

She: ok, what are those on that tree?

Me: yes, they are all birds.