Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?


last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht


If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.


I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.


Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.


Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.


My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.


Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit


My car is always beeping at me when I do something wrong. Wear a seat belt ding ding ding stay in your lane ding ding ding.
I want my car to say: that was a sick traffic maneuver, I wonder if anyone shit their pants