@Henry_3000

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

@karanbirtinna

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

@2tickytacky

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

@chudneyspears

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

@weedswildflowrs

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

@realHamOnWry

My ex-wife’s wedding was last weekend, so I sent a cardboard cut-out of myself holding a cardboard cut-out of a wedding present.

@thedad

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

@parilani

husband: babe what do we need from the store

me: how did you get this number

@whinecheezits

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.