@GrillinChillin9: I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
@DrakeGatsby: My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
@Darlainky: My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
@AimeeHelene1: *buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors' lawn*
@MissSassy_Pants: You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say "I'm gonna mess this up and I don't need any witnesses"?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
@CantWaitToNap: *Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”
Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
@daddydoubts: My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
@TweetPotato314: me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
@3sunzzz: Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let's play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.