@roastmalone_

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

@FredTaming

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

@English_Channel

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

@notmythirdrodeo

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

@ChicksRule

Me: aww, cute dog! Can I pet him?

Friend: careful, he might hurt you

Dog: so, how’s your love life?

@PatsATweetin

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

@LostFelicia

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

@fro_vo

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

@SvnSxty

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

@KevinSussman

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.