@BeeeejEsq

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

@UnFitz

Waiter: Will you be dining alone tonight, sir?

Me: Yes. And I can hear the judgment in your voice, garçon. Did my mom put you up to this?

@pro_worrier_

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

@bestestname

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

@avainwordland

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

@rn_murse

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

@StupiDucker

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

@Darlainky

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.