@donttouchjames: [talking to a girl at the gym]
me: [nervous] so do u work out
@OllyiConic: interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
@ArfMeasures: Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you're not a robot
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can't I just click on a box
@momTruthBomb: Parenting means you will never say "What?!" again without sounding annoyed.
@AngryRaccoon2: My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn't even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it's a horror movie.
@3sunzzz: I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, "Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course."
@AngryRaccoon2: Find yourself a person who...NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
@leakypod: the bachelor: i will date twenty four other women in front of ur face
the bachelor: u can’t get jealous tho
contestant: i mean i feel like i might get jealous
the bachelor: lol ok katie
contestant: it’s jennifer