We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: I’m just going to live here
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
[vaccine research meeting]
Doctor: The virus is global and we need solutions fast
Chemist: We are working on it
Doctor: Anyone else have ideas?
First guy to pee on a jelly fish sting: *raises hand*
I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.