I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
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fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Yup….perfect score!
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.