HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I’m awake but I object,
I just love that new Pope smell.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.