*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
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Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Got him!
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.