I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
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Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”