ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
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New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?