I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
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How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small