If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
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I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
a badder mouse
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms