My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
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[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut