[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
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My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I’m tired tomorrow.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Boating season is upon us.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure