Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
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Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
It’s the weekend y’all
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage