Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
You Might Also Like
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
who wore it better?
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
happy mother’s day❤️