I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
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can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.