You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
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Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
That stupid look on my face, is my face
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
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Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev