7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
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*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*