”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
thank god
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids