Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
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Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
This probably isn’t good
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature