Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
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Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
The three genders
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’