Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
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Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.