Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
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What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
that colleague who touches your screen
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.