“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
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If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair