I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
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Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
gm