Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
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I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.