♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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Xylophonist Shredding It
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
#SuperBowl
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
(more comics:
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.