[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
You Might Also Like
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost