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You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!