こいつ天才
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I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway