My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
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I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.