I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
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[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Only a mother’s love …
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok