🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
You Might Also Like
Scream sneezers need love too.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
when nothing goes right… go left
reviewed some movies recently
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Still laughing at this stupid meme