🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
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darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I feel seen
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?