i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
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My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool