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I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
There is no “we” in pizza
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.