A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
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I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I was just discussing this with my cat
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks